is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
