i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
