Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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