I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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