I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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