That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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