Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
