did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
