what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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