Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
