so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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