My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
