the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
