My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You left your phone here
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