I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
