Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
