My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
