Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
