Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I think my moral compass just broke
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
