you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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