:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
