sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
