There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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