One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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