Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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