I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
