Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
