My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The best revenge is premature balding
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
