I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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