Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
