This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
