you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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