How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize