So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
