I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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