How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
