so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
