I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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