You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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