I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
