I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
