I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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