cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize