I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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