My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize