I'm eating all of the evidence.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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