It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
