you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize