Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
