I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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