I got chris browned last night
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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