So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
