I hate your face
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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