Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
