oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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