Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
